Ships, Ducks and Goodness!

I grew up in a house where my parents were very selective in their use of language. I’m pretty sure the word ‘bloody’ was batted about a bit by my Dad, but my Mum was totally PG. She legit still uses the phrase ‘silly sausages’ instead of shit. When my sister and I became teenagers, it seemed that my Dad let go of whatever verbal restraint he had exhausted in our younger years and his language in conversations began to use stronger, more potty language. He wouldn’t ever swear at us, he would just use it in conversation now and then. And I loved it! I really liked the way in which the odd ‘fucking’ punctuated my dad’s emotive response to what he was saying and it made me appreciate why foul language is used. And there began my long love story with words which are rude, bad and foul.

As a parent, I have taken on my parents’ position of being controlled in my language and only using ‘U’ rating words around them. My older son is five and he thinks rude words are ‘idiot’, ‘stupid’, ‘butt’ and ‘poo’ which he is forbidden* from using.(The latter two are used by him at least 15 times a day) Imagine when he gets a little older and realises there is a whole host of rude words that we have been keeping from him. He is going to lose his fucking mind! Ha ha ha

Prior to being a stay at home Mummy, I was a secondary school teacher and this was an excellent training ground for learning to control your language output. Now that I am at home and battling with a 5 year old who will not put his socks on in the morning so we can do the school run because he is in the middle of a battle between Iron Man and Hulk and he hasn’t finished yet, I find myself often on the edge of losing my absolute fucking shit and my face looks like it is about to combust. I often see myself in an internal slow motion rage where I shout “STOP THAT AND GET YOUR FUCKING SOCKS ON BECAUSE I’M LOSING MY ABSOLUTE SHIT WITH YOU!’ But instead I say, “Now come on. I’m counting to 10 and if I don’t see you putting your socks on I am going to take away some of your nighttime rubs. One, two, three….” It does the trick but it doesn’t have the satisfying energy of my internal Rated 15 version.

We have found words to disguise our love for swearing too. If the odd ‘fuck’ slips out, it is very quickly translated to ‘duck’ (this must be standard for everyone because of autocorrect) as is ‘shit’ for ‘ships’. When I have accidently said shit, my husband very quickly changes it for ship, singing, “Oh the ships are sailing, oh the ships are sailing”. During the day I find myself saying in a jolly and nursery rhyme tone with a fake mild smile on my face, “oh, for goodness sake” if the boys are jarring me. I obviously mean, ‘Oh, FOR FUCKS SAKE, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!’

I know some people are totally cool about swearing in front of their kids and just explain to them that they shouldn’t repeat it etc. I can’t do that. Like my Dad, once the restrain is lifted, I don’t think I would be able to control myself. You know, like the way some people just don’t buy treats because they then can’t be tempted, that’s me with swearing. If there are children around, I am forbidden from uttering words and if i do, I feel bad about it.

Recently, I was doing a tight reverse maneuver in the car and needed to look through the side windows. At this moment, the big boy (5 Yrs) decided to flap the zebra sun visor about blocking my view. I asked him to put it down because I couldn’t see, to which he responded by flapping it even more. I lost my shit and said, “Will you please put that bloody zebra on the floor!”. I immediately felt guilt at saying ‘bloody’. I quickly told him not to listen to the silly word I said, and obviously he responded by saying, “why did you call it a bloody zebra? Bloody zebra?”

“I know, I know, Mummy is so silly sometimes!”

“Yeah, because Mummy, there isn’t any blood on it at all. That was a bit silly”

Bless him and his pure PG mind.

When I am with my friends, I love a good swear and outpouring of potty language in the anecdotes I share or the exchanges we all have. I find these adult exchanges a welcome contrast to the watery spongey foamy language I use with the kids.

Anyway, how do you feel about swearing and potty language? Are you a secret swearer like me or do you think I am gutter filth?! Ha ha.

Peace and ducking love!


*I make a right hoo haa if he uses these words. When I’m having a go, I am actually laughing on the inside at how dumb what I’m saying is! Lol!

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